When I first played Resident Evil, I lost my trash. I was jumping in my seat, squirming on the ground, covering my eyes, and doing my best to power through the dark rooms, just to make sure I didn’t have a heart attack. I was eleven, so back off, alright?

The concept of zombies roaming around a mansion eating police officers who are trapped inside the building by brain-crazed zombie dogs is priceless. Resident Evil invented a genre all it’s own for video games: Survival Horror.

The thing that I loved about the game was that it was basically a movie that I could control and work my way through. The length of the game, when played right was about the length of a movie. The game utilized the elements of lighting and cinematography as best it could. It even had live action actors for the biggest cut scenes. And while it all looks cheesy today, at the time it was cutting edge, inspired, and like nothing else ever done.

What makes the game cheesy isn’t the story line, however. What really killed the game was the horrible voice acting (like the classic, “Don’t. Open. That. Door.”) and the over the top cinematic clips full of the worst actors fresh out of community college. But if you look past all this, you’ve got a pretty good story.

I’m not going to go through the entire story. If you want to read about it go here:

Ok, so it’s not Shakespeare, but seriously, it was only a couple of tweaks away from being a good zombie movie. It has twists and turns and hot girls and dudes with big guns-sounds pretty much like a Hollywood blockbuster to me. So, when it was time to make a Resident Evil movie, why change it up?

I had a lot of problems with the movie. For one, the game was already a movie. Take away the element of being able to move the characters around yourself and OMG, Movie! Maybe the script could have used a few tweaks and there shouldn’t have been nearly as much running around alone, looking for pegs and what-not, but these are all little things that could have been changed over night. The game even mapped out the camera angles for the director. How much more do they want?

The second giant problem I had with the movie was the martial arts. I wanted to pull my heart out every time 5^thElement jumped in the air and kicked someone. There was never a punch or kick button in the game. There was an attack where you kick a zombie if it was biting you, but it was nothing like jumping off walls and doing back flips. It was unnecessary and ridiculous. There wasn’t even a jump button in the game. Resident Evil is known for its controls. They keep you grounded, the moves you make are very choppy, and they take a lot of getting used to. The movie didn’t fit the game what-so-ever, and only lead to more problems.

Like my third gripe. Where were all the guns? The shotgun, one of the games staples, was in the very last scene of the movie, and that’s it. The hand gun was there, and the knife, I think, and that submachine gun type weapon that’s usually in the games, oh, and the sniper rifle…wait, sniper rifle? Yeah, don’t remember that in the game. I don’t remember a lot of the weapons in that movie being in the game, actually. It’s not like the game didn’t have awesome weapons. Rocket launchers, grenade launchers, shotguns, magnums, it was pretty solid. So what they hell were they thinking?

One of the coolest things was pointing the shotgun up and blowing off 2 zombies heads at once. Why couldn’t they do that?

Let’s also talk about the characters. In the first movie they decided to not only leave out all the awesome characters from the games, they also decided to introduce 5thElement as some kind of T-Virus powered killing machine. Now, I’m not sure, but wasn’t Tyrant…well, never mind.

When part two came out I was happy to see they added some familiar characters…well…I was happy for about 3 minutes. I’ll just talk about two characters. First, there was Jill (a whole movie late, mind you) and then there was Nemesis. All I have to say about Jill’s character in the movie is “Wow.” She just kind of stood there and said a few little tiny things from time to time that didn’t matter at all. She was a total after thought. She was nothing like she was in the game and she was defiantly not worth having in the movie. All she did was cause headaches to die hard fans like myself who wanted to see her put her knee down on a zombie’s head.

Nemesis was probably one of the coolest bad guys in video game history. He was big, mean, scary as hell, and best of all- he came in a can. They had it right for the most part, but then at the end…was he crying? Oh, that’s right, they messed up the story and made him a former love interest of someone, I forget who, and he cries at the end. Why? WHY!? He’s a killing machine! He’s not supposed to cry.

Oh! Then he helps the STARS team and sacrifices himself to save the day. Have any of these people even heard of the original video game.

*Le sigh

I didn’t even see the third one.

What it all boils down to is that they had the goose that laid the golden egg, and they cooked it. I mean, all the games have been movie-friendly to the point where it shouldn’t have been hard to change mediums without changing the story too much. Really, the movie and the game were still very similar: zombies, big guns, all the characters were badasses, the evil umbrella corporation, , and giant monsters. Why not keep the places and characters we’re familiar with?

The stuff they added they didn’t even really need. The Resident Evil games were trying to recreate zombie movies. What great zombie movie had crying monsters and karate?

I remember Ebert reviewing the movie and saying something like it was a bad movie based off a bad video game. It was an amazing video game, you pretentious slob, and if you shut your mouth and did some research maybe you’d know it. The problem wasn’t the game, it was the movie.

Now, I hate Ebert and have for a while because he thinks video games will never be as serious an art as movies. He’s an idiot, but it’s not all his fault. If all he knows about video games is pong and these shitty movies, no wonder he thinks that way.

These movies are killing the industries reputation as art, and it’s definitely letting the fans down. So, if anyone out there can hear me that matters, PLEASE! Do something different. Please.

You just got served via server.

I also remember the day I learned another valuable lesion. The year was 1993 and the Super Mario Brothers movie had just come out. Fast forward about 3 hours to find me dissatisfied, disappointed, and disgusted.

Again and again, bad games came out based on movies and bad movies came out based on games. What was going wrong? Why couldn’t Hollywood get it right?

Well, lets look at Super Mario Brothers, since it’s pretty much the biggest target. The games were all a giant success, even Super Mario Brothers 2, which wasn’t quite right compared to the other games. But the face of Nintendo on the big screen? Live action?! With John Leguizamo?! Where did the movie go wrong?

Well, the truth is that the movie went wrong where many movies went wrong: It strayed away from the game far too much. The same problem happened with the Ninja Turtles movies and some other comic book movies, where you walk into the movie thinking “Oh man! I can’t wait to see all my favorite characters!” And you leave thinking “WTF?” Just like that. In all caps.

I still haven’t forgave the Mario movie. It was a horrible piece of garbage. The Goombas were dinosaurs? They didn’t even look cool. And seriously, Daisey as a main character over Peach? And what was going on with that slime? Was there ever any slime in Mario? And discussion about evolution? Anything about alternate dimensions and worm holes? No. But it seemed to the producers of the Mario movie that making a movie out of a video game is a free license to do what ever the hell you want.

Now, this might be true with older video games like Pitfall, or Frogger because they don’t have any kind of story-line. Mario’s story was a little weak. Save the princess doesn’t always translate into an epic blockbuster. But why demolish the entire Mario universe? Why change the Goombas so much? Or why make Bowser a real guy and not at the very least a monster of sorts?

By destroying their foundation provided by the games, the movie makers end up with a jumbled mess of a movie with familiar names of characters and places that look nothing and act nothing like what we remember from their source. Why not look at what is given to the story already and build on top of it?

I don’t know.

Anyway, the movie that i had the highest hopes for, and the movie that i thought would redeem the video game/movie cross over was Resident Evil. Now, I’m not going to get into that here, but it was a massive failure. The worst part is, some people who played the game actually liked it. Farts to them. All of them. They’re wrong. So wrong, in fact, they’re stupid for even bringing up the thought.

Check out my next blog for more details on why the Resident Evil movie blew hard, in case you didn’t know already.

I just want to close this blog by talking a little bit about video games based off movies. These are insane when you think about it. Often time movie studios will demand the game be released in conjunction with the movie, like a certain amount of days before or after the release in theaters. The problem here is that a game isn’t made like a movie. No one really knows how long it’s going to take. Even the most reliable game developers don’t quite meet their deadlines on a regular basis. So when you go out and pick up a game based off a movie, just remember that it’s been rushed out of the oven and might have some cold spots in there.

That said, this genre of game has moved a long way from Goonies or Rodger Rabbit. I remember picking up Spider-Man 2 and being amazed. I remember sitting in the theater and turning to my friend Justin about 3 times during the movie and telling him how I “can’t wait to do that in the game.” Well, guess what! I got to do it all in the game. And since there wasn’t enough to make an epic game in the film, they added some cool stuff. Tons of side missions and extra bosses really added new angles and more bulk to the story.

I’m not saying video games based off movies are all gold. Far from it. Many still have giant problems and horrible issues that make them unplayable. But what i am saying is that there are more fine examples here of how to move from genre to genre than in movies. The Spider-Man 2 game was a prime example of these examples.

Imagine if Super Mario built up from the game to make the movie instead of breaking it apart and then gluing in all the pieces they liked with other stuff they just made up out of no where.

God, i hope someone important is reading this.

You just got served, via server.

Looking back today, it wasn’t I that was the problem. 

I also remember the day I learned another valuable lesion. The year was 1993 and the Super Mario Brothers movie had just come out. Fast forward about 3 hours to find me dissatisfied, disappointed, and disgusted.

Again and again, bad games came out based on movies and bad movies came out based on games. What was going wrong? Why couldn’t Hollywood get it right?

Well, let’s look at Super Mario Brothers, since it’s pretty much the biggest target. The games were all a giant success, even Super Mario Brothers 2, which wasn’t quite right.  But putting the face of Nintendo on the big screen? Live action?! With John Leguizamo?! Where did the movie go wrong?

Well, the truth is that the movie went wrong where many movies went wrong: It strayed away from the game far too much. The same problem happened with the Ninja Turtles movies and some other comic book movies, where you walk into the movie thinking “Oh man! I can’t wait to see all my favorite characters!” And you leave thinking “WTF?” Just like that. In all caps.

I still haven’t forgiven the Mario movie. It was a horrible piece of garbage. The Goombas were dinosaurs? They didn’t even look cool. And seriously, Daisey as a main character over Peach? And what was going on with that slime? Was there ever any slime in Mario? Was there ever a discussion about evolution? Anything about alternate dimensions and worm holes? No. But it seemed to the producers of the Mario movie that making a movie out of a video game is a free license to do what ever the hell you want.

Now, this might be true with older video games like Pitfall, or Frogger because they don’t have any kind of story-line. But most games have something to go off of.  Even Pac-Man had those awesome little intermissions.  Mario’s story was a little weak. Save the princess doesn’t always translate into an epic blockbuster. But why demolish the entire Mario universe? Why change the Goombas so much? Or why make Bowser a real guy and not at the very least a monster of sorts?

By destroying the foundation provided by the games, the movie makers end up with a jumbled mess of a movie with familiar names of characters and places that look nothing and act nothing like they originally did. Why not look at what is given to the story already and build on top of it?

I don’t know.

Anyway, the movie that I had the highest hopes for, and the movie that I thought would redeem the video game/movie cross over was Resident Evil. Now, I’m not going to get into that here, but it was a massive failure. The worst part is, some people who played the game actually liked it. Farts to them. All of them. They’re wrong. So wrong, in fact, they’re stupid for even bringing up the thought.

Check out my next blog for more details on why the Resident Evil movie blew hard, in case you didn’t know already.

I just want to close this blog by talking a little bit about video games based off movies. These are really insane when you think about it. Often time movie studios will demand the game be released in conjunction with the movie, like a certain amount of days before or after the release in theaters. The problem here is that a game isn’t made like a movie. No one really knows how long it’s going to take. Even the most reliable game developers don’t quite meet their deadlines on a regular basis. So when you go out and pick up a game based off a movie, just remember that it’s been rushed out of the oven and might have some cold spots in there.

That said, this genre of game has moved a long way from Goonies or Rodger Rabbit. I was amazed with the Spider-Man 2 video game. I remember sitting in the theater and turning to my friend Justin about 3 times during the movie and telling him how I “can’t wait to do that in the game.” Well, guess what. I got to do it all in the game. And since there wasn’t enough to make an epic game already in the film, they added some cool stuff. Tons of side missions and extra bosses really added new angles and more bulk to the story.

I’m not saying video games based off movies are all golden. Far from it. Many still have giant problems and horrible issues that make them unplayable. But what I am saying is that there are more fine examples here of how to move from genre to genre than in movies. The Spider-Man 2 game was a prime example.

Imagine if Super Mario built up from the game to make the movie instead of breaking it apart and then gluing in all the pieces they liked with other stuff they just made up out of no where.

God, i hope someone important is reading this.

I just got done LOLing at kyle’s post of that funny photo thing. If you missed it, here it is. http://dumpedimage.com/uploads/1/man_suit.jpg

Oh, SNAPS! I’m back. And it took me long enough, really. I know, Tom, sorry I’ve been away for so long, but I’ve been a busy bee as of late. I’m going to try to catch you up on it.

New job. I’m working at a local community college. I started the job 3 weeks ago and I have grown to hate it. The people are nice enough, but the work is lame. I’m a robot that files and collates and I want to kill myself when the day is done. Sometimes I feel like I should have stayed at the Boys and Girls Club and continued to force help upon kids who don’t want it. Really, what’s more depressing? Working a job with absolutely no substance, or working a job where you try to force substance into the lives of others? Substance is a funny word because it means so many things.

New place. I’m shacked up in my grandmother’s old house with my buddy, Lenny, and soon with Max. It’s going well enough so far, except for the fact that I started working mid way through the last week of the pay period. I’ll spare you the details of this debauchery and just cut to the chase: I’m broke as a joke.

A couple solid things in my life that keep going right now: friends, family, and Smash Brothers.

My girlfriend, Steph, won SERIOUS points when she bought me Smash Brothers because I couldn’t afford it. On the off nights when she can’t be here and I can’t be there, the warm glow of the television and the sweet sounds of Nintendo keep my mind at ease.

I’ve been lucky enough to have people over and have some good times. If it wasn’t for the amazing people I have as friends, my money and health woes would be getting me down for sure.

Oh, I didn’t mention that before. The health thing. One of my wisdom teeth is growing in sideways or something I think. Headache city, population me.

Anyway, expect way more posts and way more good times now that my internetz and together again. Also, I have cable for the first time, so get ready for some reviews of TV shows and Channels.

You just got served, via server.

I’ve played it at Kyle’s. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that game. I have yet to play anything beyond the basic brawling of 4 characters on the screen, but there isn’t much more that I need to see. Everything I hoped for has become real and that makes me so happy. Even characters I thought were going to be a waste of space (Diddy Kong) are fun to use. The whole game is amazing.

Even the worst character EVER, Wario, is fun to use on some level. I mean, he’s annoying to even see on the screen, and he moves around like a tank over choppy water, but it works some how, on some strange level, this blemish is beautiful, like Cindy’s mole or the librarian’s bun.

I’ve been trying to work out my budget over the next few months, but due to about a million road blocks and torturous menacing turns of events, I am on a very tight budget until May. I’m moving into a new house and I’m changing jobs at just the right moment to miss a pay period almost entirely. That means I’m on a budget of about $150 a month to pay for food and fun as well as other stuff for my girlfriend and good times with friends.

Basically, I need to wait for my tax return to get Smash Brothers. I figure I’ll buy that and a PS3. Why not a 360? Let me sum it up in two words for you, Failure Rate. Oh and HD-DVD is dead. There’s another reason.

But I digress. Day 4 is coming to an end, and if I can just hold on until next month, I might be able to get the game. Pray for me.

You just got served, via server.

I just paid my bills and I have $150 to my name as of today. Now, I don’t know if I’m supposed to pay my grandmother in advance for the first month’s rent, or if I’m going to get saved by the kindness of her heart or what, but whatever happens, I’m definitely screwed during the move in.

I know what you might be thinking, Tom. You’re thinking, why is it that I said i was only going to talk about video games, and now i’m talking about money and moving. Well, it’s simple really. On top of the whole rent and moving expenses, i need to worry about getting my hands on a copy of Super Smash Brothers Brawl.

The game comes out this weekend and it’s all kyle and I have been talking about…kinda, and we’re bother super stoked to get our hands on it. The problem today is that I have no idea if i have or don’t have the money to get it. My girlfriend said she’d loan me money if I needed it…but I don’t want to be that boyfriend. But then again, it is Brawl, and I hardly ever treat myself.

The bottom line is thus: I need to get that game. I need to. So, I guess I’m going to…even if I have to kill a man.   Here are a list of people I might kill to get this game:

Miss America

Mr. Universe

The bank

Mostly, I’m looking forward to playing as Pitt and Bowser. I’ll be pwning with pitt.

Too bad I can’t play as hannah montana. I’m hurtin’ for hannah.

You just got served, via server.

Tom Stanley has his own blog, and he found our blog through technorati and liked it. He’s added our RSS, and looks forward to reading more. This makes Tom Stanley our first true reader outside of our network of friends.

I’d like to welcome you aboard, Tom. Thanks for digging our style.

I have punched up a few numbers here, and I’ve decided to streamline our site to fit the likes and dislikes of our fan base, since we have one now.

100% of our fans enjoy reading about Luigi and/or the Mario Universe.

100% of our fanbase has responded positively to my posts, while 0% have responded to kyle.

Also, i have found that Hannah Montana is very popular.

Therefore, I will only be writing about Video Games and Hannah Montana from this point on. Also, I’m going to strongly suggest kyle do the same. Perhaps we need a theme, and if that theme can’t be Hannah Montana, then it’s going to have to be Video Games.

You just got schooled, via schooler.

(actually, i really like, “you just got served, via server.” So I think I’m just going to stick with that.)

You just got served, via server.

I beat the game with Mario, and all the claims of it being the best game ever might be right. It’s one of the most beautiful and monumental accomplishments thus far in video game history. Mario is an amazing character and franchise and I’ve loved every game he’s been in…that I can remember.

When I unlocked Super Luigi Galaxy, I was stoked. Let me tell you why.

Luigi and me, we go way back. When I was a kid and all I had was the first Super Mario Bro.s, I used to always have to play as Luigi. My dad would always insist on being Mario, and my cousins and friends, they’d all throw a fit, or hit me, if I ever wanted to be anything else. In Super Mario Bro.s 2, Luigi was the best character, so you know I picked him. I was late getting Super Mario Bro.s 3 and an SNES, so guess who was always stuck being player 2? Yeah, yours truly.

As games progressed, I stuck with my main man in green, and noticed something strange. As time went on, I noticed, Luigi was becoming more and more ambiguously gay. There were a million little things, from his mannerisms to his lack of a love interest (does he not even see Daisy?) that I could site, but if you want solid proof, by all means, play Partners in Time for the DS. He might as well walk around with a dildo in his mouth the whole game. They even gave him his own game, Luigi’s Mansion. All the poor bastard got to do was run around scared shitless. It made me feel bad about the poor guy and it made me really hope for more.

So, here comes Super Mario Galaxy, and I’m thinking “Awesome! A game where even Luigi can shine!” But no. I thought maybe they would really allow him to break free from his stigmas and start a new name for himself. I was thinking, since he could jump higher in Mario 2, and since this new game is all about being the best, why would they screw the poor guy even harder?

I don’t know why, but they did.

Basically, Super Luigi Galaxy is just a horrible version of Super Mario Galaxy. You play as Luigi, and you’re pretty much screwed. You don’t seem to be able to jump any higher and you really aren’t faster or anything like that, but you so slide around a lot. And I mean, A LOT. You slide all over the place, like you’re on ice. You know how annoying those ice levels are? How you can never quite line yourself up right for a jump or under a box or something? That’s how it is when you’re Luigi ALL THE TIME.

You have absolutely nothing to be happy about when you’re Luigi…unless you like not having fun. There’s this level where you need to walk and be super careful not to fall off the edges of a path of garbage that appears in front of you as you move around. As Mario, it was a pain- now try it as Luigi. Oh, and you have a timer, so you better hurry your slippery ass up.

I refuse to finish it. I know, i’m not going to get the last star if I don’t play along. Well, I got to 20 stars and I think that’s pretty F-ing amazing. I’m not just mad about Nintendo screwing with Luigi. It’s more than that. I would be all for saying that this game is the best game ever made if it wasn’t for Super Luigi Galaxy. It’s a scar on the pretty face of a ballerina. If Nintendo really wanted to add some replay value, they should have done something like making the enemies harder or like, I don’t know, adding some kind of new attack for Luigi instead of the spin. Who’s great idea was it to just mess up the controls? Who thought it would be fun?

Imagine if all game developers had this notion of fucking stuff up to make it harder, and therefore, more fun. Like, what if as a follow up to scrabble, we got a version without any A’s and U’s. Or what if, to make it more fun, they made a version of Operation where you have to wear boxing gloves and close your eyes while you play? Fuck that. I hate that game as it is.

Kyle and I were supposed to write reviews of this crap, but I quit. Good thing kyle hasn’t even started…like, I mean good thing for him, because it’s garbage. It’s only happy when it rains.

You just got told, via tolder.

Wasssssssap?!?! My name is Joe, and i’m a BIG fan (250 pounds, 5 foot 11). I’ve enjoyed playing many of your games over the years, and of the most amazing has been Super Smash Bro.s and Super Smash Bro.s Melee. I’ll admit that at first i was skeptical about how great a game could be where all my favorite nintendo character’s beat the bejesus out of each other. It wasn’t until years after Smash Bro.’s first release that i actually got to play it, and it occupied my life for many months in the year of 2004.

I’ll cut to the chase: What the fuck? I thought this game was only for characters that appear under the Nintendo umbrella! Woe, and lo! I was wrong. I might enjoy using Sonic once or twice, or enjoy beating the hell out of Snake (since he looks so much like Kid Rock), but I still think there are a ton of killer characters that can be included in your game that fall under the umbrella of Nintendo.

A few of your most over looked characters include the likes of Bald Bull, the Bubble Bobble guys, and the dude from Burger Time. Mayo can be a weapon, on this I insist! There is nothing more disappointing than seeing these amazing characters sit on the side lines.

However, if the rules are being broken, allow me to make a few more suggestions on characters that may be omitted in your fit of madness:

Bob’s Big Boy, who’s abilities include standing still, and flying through space.

The Leprecon from the Leprecon movies, who can shine your shoes and make you all slippery.

Sydney Poitier who’s portrail of Walter Lee Younger in “A Rasin in the Sun” will bring your characters to tears.

Monster Truck. I think this is pretty self explanatory.

and finally, Westley Willis.

I hope you don’t throw these character ideas aside. They may be what makes or breaks your next title.

Do not worry about compensation, being able to play as Leprecon would be payment enough.

xoxo,

joe

PS: Other possible characters include: Elefun, PJ Harvey, the 1997 Pittsburgh Steelers, Joe Piscapo, Hannah Montana (x fingers!!!!), Johnny 5, Batman on fire in a trashcan, Micheal Jordan, Hillary Clinton (NPC please), a dinet set, Bob Barker, a bowl of rice, Holden, Die Hard, Christopher Reeves (post-horse), Satan and Jesus (look out ice climbers), the  marbles (a la marble madness), Robocop, Grey Ghost, Dragon from Dragon Heart, Blankman, Office Barbrady, Bebe’s Kids, the Fonz, my friend David, and Nic Cage.