I just got done LOLing at kyle’s post of that funny photo thing. If you missed it, here it is. http://dumpedimage.com/uploads/1/man_suit.jpg

Oh, SNAPS! I’m back. And it took me long enough, really. I know, Tom, sorry I’ve been away for so long, but I’ve been a busy bee as of late. I’m going to try to catch you up on it.

New job. I’m working at a local community college. I started the job 3 weeks ago and I have grown to hate it. The people are nice enough, but the work is lame. I’m a robot that files and collates and I want to kill myself when the day is done. Sometimes I feel like I should have stayed at the Boys and Girls Club and continued to force help upon kids who don’t want it. Really, what’s more depressing? Working a job with absolutely no substance, or working a job where you try to force substance into the lives of others? Substance is a funny word because it means so many things.

New place. I’m shacked up in my grandmother’s old house with my buddy, Lenny, and soon with Max. It’s going well enough so far, except for the fact that I started working mid way through the last week of the pay period. I’ll spare you the details of this debauchery and just cut to the chase: I’m broke as a joke.

A couple solid things in my life that keep going right now: friends, family, and Smash Brothers.

My girlfriend, Steph, won SERIOUS points when she bought me Smash Brothers because I couldn’t afford it. On the off nights when she can’t be here and I can’t be there, the warm glow of the television and the sweet sounds of Nintendo keep my mind at ease.

I’ve been lucky enough to have people over and have some good times. If it wasn’t for the amazing people I have as friends, my money and health woes would be getting me down for sure.

Oh, I didn’t mention that before. The health thing. One of my wisdom teeth is growing in sideways or something I think. Headache city, population me.

Anyway, expect way more posts and way more good times now that my internetz and together again. Also, I have cable for the first time, so get ready for some reviews of TV shows and Channels.

You just got served, via server.

also max told me about an awesome band. It’s made up of 5 14/15 year old British kids who are amazing. Everything i love about music is present and accounted for. It’s like they figured out how to take all the best parts of what I think are the best bands and mixed them together in the perfect combination.

and to top all of this awesome off, for dinner tonight I get pizza pretzels we got from whole foods.

speaking of which, I have decided to start a hydroponics organic farm in a warehouse or something. It’s going to be awesome. And to start so I can perfect everything for a larger scale joe and lenny and max agreed to let me use garage space to set up a small vegetable farm. I’m thinking tomatoes and cucumber, I’m nut sure yet. but whichever vegetables I choose I’ll be starting a huge step towards what I want to do and I’ll get to see some of my best friends more often then I do now. Win, win, win.

and as a parting gift as I leave you tonight, here is a funny post from 4chan.

http://dumpedimage.com/uploads/1/man_suit.jpg

Well, I could have borrowed a dollar, but seriously, I don’t like borrowing money. Borrowing money is like giving someone a free ticket to ask you for money later. “Remember that dollar you owe me?” “How’s about you buy me this and we’ll call it even.” I hate this. I hate this mainly because I don’t carry money on my person ever. So, when someone asks me for the money, or to spot them, I know i’m going to have to end up looking like a poor idiot who doesn’t want to admit that technology hasn’t replaced paper money and metal coin yet.

(Side note: I hear the USA is planning on stopping production of pennies. This would have been a smart idea, like…i don’t know, forty years ago. Today though, we’re all moving to digital money, and while it’s a frightening thought, metal and paper will soon not be anywhere in our currency.)

Anyway, my other option was to ask someone for money, just flat out, but I’m not a bum, so scratch that idea.

So, while I was thinking about stealing it, or starting a tab at our cyber cafe, I came up with something quiet remarkable. I approached a coworker and asked her a simple question that would change my life forever.

“Can I forever borrow a dollar?”

And I never have to pay her back.

 You just got moved, via mover.

(Update: It has now worked 2 times. I think people just think it’s funny, so they play along. I say that’s fine, so long as i get a dollar!) (I’ve also noticed that putting a “!” at the end of one-liners or punch lines kills the joke like none other.)

(blog censored)

The rest of the alerts were missed calls and a voice mail from my boss, and a phone call from a guy named Hal. Hal left a voicemail too, and I listened. He was asking if we had a meeting today. The message was at 8. My boss’s voicemail was asking why Hal was sitting outside work.

Now, this is a big deal. Hal is a part of the Rotary Club, and they donate A LOT of money to a specific program at my work, namely, the College Bound Program, the program I work for. So, if I piss this guy off, which I doubt I’d do, because he’s seriously, one of the nicest old people I’ve ever met, then we could lose tons of money…maybe like a million…a million money. This said, I still didn’t want to push it. I called Hal, but I only had his home number. His wife sounded pissed, and I found out why. I guess Hal had been sitting out there for like two hours. She gave me his cell number, but his phone was turned off.

So I raced to work to see if I could catch Hal and let him know what was going, and I called my boss on the way. I got to work and no one was there. I guess Hal went home. I need to call him back. I really don’t want to though because I’m afraid he might be as upset as his wife was.

Anyway, it was a pretty rockstar morning. I woke up to an angry woman,______, and urgent messages from my work.

You just got piledrived, via piledriver.

I found out that community colleges pay extremely well, and since I’m looking for a new job, this is very valuable information. For example, there’s a job I found running an English tutoring center, which is perfect for me, and it pays $45-$92 AN HOUR. No joke. I quadruple checked that shit. Up to $92 an hour. The downside is that it’s part time and I have to name my first-born Mephistopheles. Not really, well, I mean, it is part time, but who gives a shit, right? All I’d need to work is two hours a day and I’d be making $920 a week. That’s almost $48,000 a year working 2 hours a day. Wow is right, assuming you were thinking wow.

On the other hand I just applied for a job to be on call to work with kids with disabilities. Basically, the more severely disabled they are, the more you get paid. Now, I’ve been in education for about 4 years, but I don’t know about this job. To really make money in it you need to wait for a fulltime job to open up and be offered to you, and you need to work with kids who are so severe that they wear diapers and stuff like that, and I just don’t think I have it in me to deal with that. The kids might actually attack you, and how would you deal with that?

Also, the essay question on the test was pretty much the hardest thing I’ve ever written. I was asked to write a paper in which I describe a scene of a boy sitting by a lake to a blind child. I know, I know, “There’s a boy sitting by a lake” is pretty much all you need to say, but they wanted details, and that’s extremely hard to do when the kid is blind. I’m a writer and I’ve been able to write descriptively for many-a-good year, but people rely on their eyes for a lot of descriptions; we’re a very visual species. On top of that, besides the fact that this is hard as shit as is, there was no picture or anything to elaborate upon. I just had to make the scene up.

What I ended up with was a lot of repeating myself and a lot of “feeling” words. “The water is cold and crisp.” I said that like a million times. I used the word “calm” a lot, too. By the end of it, it was pretty much the transcript from one of those tapes people listen to in order to relax and fall asleep. But I guess sleep is good because I got my score back yesterday and I aced it.

Man I hate working this early, but at least I get to listen to some fly tunes. Once my coworkers get here it’s like BET threw up in our sterio. At least I try to find music I think everyone will like. Whatever. Until then it’s STP and the Wallflowers.

(I was just saving this and the title that it came up with to save was “Look i found you, lol,” and now when I try to save things that doesn’t come up…that’s a little creepy. Especially since I’m here alone. I figure someone’s been messing with the computer. Stupid kids…)

NO!

That’s not right at all. Basically, all they’re saying is that people who make jets make cars and call them Saab. So, I’ve been wondering what would happen if different kinds of people made their own cars? Obviously, when people who make jets want a break from the monotony of dominating the heavens, they build cars. But what about the average joe? What does he make?

I did some research, and here’s what I found…

The Eskimo car: http://youtube.com/watch?v=gi4Fqpi0lQc Two guys in the north pole decided that since Santa is hogging on the reindeer and elves, they needed something else to pull their slays. The result was this little gem. It falls somewhere in between a tractor and a shitty carnival ride. “Hey, mom, can you drive me to Jimmy’s house?” “Sorry, I’m too dizzy from my trip to the store.” You could probably walk to and from wherever you’re going before you get half way anywhere in this thing

The car for the hard of hearing: http://youtube.com/watch?v=pRwHX4ELNqQ This is the loudest son of a bitch I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s fast, and it’s pretty nice-looking. Aside from the fact that the people who made it have a horrible taste in music, I’d say this is the best car of them all. Oh, one problem, you’re going to die from head combustion if you try to drive it. Why not put a pot over your head and bang on it with a lead pipe instead?

The Stupid Little Kid Car: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ch_VDSYGF5E This is sad, yet, intriguing. The best explorers of our day relied on advanced boats and ships, and it all started with the paddle. That’s how the Vikings made it to Manhattan, isn’t it? So, maybe, if these kids have kids (unlikely), and those kids have kids, and those kids have kids, they’ll invent the sailboat. Maybe even discover America! Seriously kids, two words for you: STAY IN SCHOOL.

But by far, the most amazing car was made by the rednecks. As you know, the redneck is possibly the most resourceful of all our colors in the melting pot. Here are just a few of their documented feats on youtube:

Redneck Slingshot: http://youtube.com/watch?v=acsz0o2jtzg (just wait for it)

Redneck Skiing: http://youtube.com/watch?v=cRuj1lirXtU

Redneck Surfing: http://youtube.com/watch?v=oiooZVKvtOQ

And, Redneck Granny: http://youtube.com/watch?v=2K45PBZaFV0

Yeah, there’s not a lot to do out there when your sister’s out of town…

Catching these types of things on film is very rare, as the redneck does not have the parts needed to create a video camera in their backyard, nor the ability to duct tape them together, if indeed the parts are found.

By far the most amazing video out there is the redneck car modification called “The Redneck Roller coaster.” I know, it’s not really a car, but trust, it’s worthy. Check it out for yourself: http://youtube.com/watch?v=pqWgopJ4gg8 . I like how they call it the TV News.

Now, I’m not one to harp on safety, but that dog isn’t on a leash…

Here’s where they show how to make it, http://youtube.com/watch?v=EDrMyROzobU, so you can make your own, beer holder and all. I like how the guy tries to say it’s safer than a car.

I do wonder though, why is it that teachers don’t make a car that is fun to drive and educational? Or why lumberjacks don’t make a car that runs on a wood burning stove? Or why cops don’t make a car that pulls over minorities? I guess we’ll just have to wait for these to hit the market.

Me? I’m waiting on the Nintendo car. Or, at the very least, an Atari car. 8-bit driving would still be better than a Ford, a motor company who owes me at least $7,000 after I bought a Focus from Hell. Ford Focus? More like Bord Bogus!…or…Ford Suckus…Bogus Suckus…Think about it.

You just got pwned, via pwner.