For the first time in my life, i have cable.  Ok, that’s kind of untrue.  When i was about 10, my dad started stealing cable like most lower-middle class apartment dwellers did in the mid 90’s.  Unfortunately, my father’s conscious got the best of him and he decided that freaking out every time a cop car or cable van drove down the street wasn’t worth the 30 or so free channels we were stealing.

Today, I live on my own and since my roommates wanted cable, I have cable.  I could have done without it, but it’s just easier to do things like this than to force myself not to watch TV in any room but my own.

One of my exgirlfriends, we’ll call her Devil Bitch, was lactos intolerent.  She couldn’t eat anything with even the smalled amounts of milk or she’d need to go to the hospital.  As we were dating she was taking these pills that allowed her body to be able to tolerate more and more products with more and more milk.  When we first started dating she got a call from her doctor and he said she could eat cheese, so she had her first slice and couldn’t stop.  Imagine never having eaten cheese your whole life, and eating it for the first time at the age of 19.  She ended up eating the whole block.

A few months later we were out when she got the call saying she could eat ice cream.  I was more excited than her at first.

“It’s ice cream!”

“It’s just ice cream,” she said.

I was raving all the way to the beach where we got her a soft-serve cone of ice cream dipped in chocolate.  I started her off on vanilla.  I didn’t want her to go into shock.

You know that look on a kid’s face when he goes to Disneyland for the first time?  Or when his favorite cartoon is made into a movie?  I never thought adults can have that same look on their face because there isn’t anything awesome left to experience for the first time (except maybe sex, which is debatable, because most people’s first times don’t make them smile too wide).

Most awesome stuff, like ice cream, is given to us as kids.  Ice cream, candies, theme parks, board games, video games (Ok, maybe i still get way too stoked for video games), it’s all wasted on us as kids.  But i saw Devil Bitch eat ice cream for the first time at the age of 19, and for the next hour we sat at the beach so she could try stawberry and chocolate, so believe me when i say, anyone can be a child again.

What I’m getting at is this: I thought cable was going to be for me what ice cream was for Devil Bitch.  I was wrong.  I have about 200 channels, some are horrible all the time, most the rest are horrible 50% of the time, and maybe 3 (G4, Discovery, and The History Channel) are really decent at least 75% of the time.

But suck mostly or suck on the slim, i’m still paying for all of it.  So, guess what, i’m watching it all.  I’m going to watch shows on Lifetime, O!, USA, SciFi, whatever, and i’m going to review them just for you, Tom.

I was going to write about video games, but this is too long as it is.  Thanks for reading it all.

You just got served, via server.

Mother Nature is a bitch mistress who wants nothing more than to assimilate us into her plot for world domination…but I think I’m getting ahead of myself, so let me go back.

What doesn’t kill you will not make you stronger. It will make you weaker and chances of surviving that very same thing that didn’t kill you a second time is slim to none. Say I was attacked by a dog and lost my left hand fighting him off. Am I stronger? Hell no. That dog comes back for seconds and he’s going to get an all you can eat buffet. The same goes for diseases.

Diseases mess you up. AIDS, Cancer, Leukemia, it’s all out to get you. And if you happen to get one of these diseases, don’t think it’s going to make you stronger. It’s going to make you weaker and weaker until you die, unless treated properly…in which case it’ll make you weaker and weaker and your body will become a battle field between man and nature, where science is our weapon of choice.

Now, I understand that we need to die. If too many people are living at once, we all die. But my real grip with Mother Nature is that all she’s doing is making us weaker. If there are diseases that kill us, why can’t there be diseases that make us stronger? Why do all diseases have to be horrible? Why is it that I can’t go out and catch a bad case of xray vision, or get a rash that results not in my vomiting, but instead it allows me to fly? I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I really really don’t.

Now, I’m not a doctor, but let me explain this in the most technical terms I can. An illness is something that enters your body and starts working you over. And when I say working you over, I mean it. Like baseball bats and sharpened pencils. But what if that virus wasn’t out to get you. What if, instead of ingesting common street thugs, you ingest nuns. Nuns that love you and want nothing more than to make you run at the speed of light. Or what if they wanted to pray for you and give you amazing luck? Why the hell can’t this happen? Why can’t illnesses be more like nuns?

I’ll tell you why. Mother Nature, that’s why. She wants to kill us and let her plants grow all over the place. She wants us to get back in line, walk like an animal, and stop living in nice houses. Well, I say never.

The only way I think we can stop this is if we start making our own diseases that do what we want. Diseases that make us stronger and faster and better at backgammon. This is the only way we can fight off Mother Nature.

And if anyone is reading this and knows anything about bioengineering, I want to be Spider-Man.

You just got dressed, via dresser.