For the first time in my life, i have cable.  Ok, that’s kind of untrue.  When i was about 10, my dad started stealing cable like most lower-middle class apartment dwellers did in the mid 90’s.  Unfortunately, my father’s conscious got the best of him and he decided that freaking out every time a cop car or cable van drove down the street wasn’t worth the 30 or so free channels we were stealing.

Today, I live on my own and since my roommates wanted cable, I have cable.  I could have done without it, but it’s just easier to do things like this than to force myself not to watch TV in any room but my own.

One of my exgirlfriends, we’ll call her Devil Bitch, was lactos intolerent.  She couldn’t eat anything with even the smalled amounts of milk or she’d need to go to the hospital.  As we were dating she was taking these pills that allowed her body to be able to tolerate more and more products with more and more milk.  When we first started dating she got a call from her doctor and he said she could eat cheese, so she had her first slice and couldn’t stop.  Imagine never having eaten cheese your whole life, and eating it for the first time at the age of 19.  She ended up eating the whole block.

A few months later we were out when she got the call saying she could eat ice cream.  I was more excited than her at first.

“It’s ice cream!”

“It’s just ice cream,” she said.

I was raving all the way to the beach where we got her a soft-serve cone of ice cream dipped in chocolate.  I started her off on vanilla.  I didn’t want her to go into shock.

You know that look on a kid’s face when he goes to Disneyland for the first time?  Or when his favorite cartoon is made into a movie?  I never thought adults can have that same look on their face because there isn’t anything awesome left to experience for the first time (except maybe sex, which is debatable, because most people’s first times don’t make them smile too wide).

Most awesome stuff, like ice cream, is given to us as kids.  Ice cream, candies, theme parks, board games, video games (Ok, maybe i still get way too stoked for video games), it’s all wasted on us as kids.  But i saw Devil Bitch eat ice cream for the first time at the age of 19, and for the next hour we sat at the beach so she could try stawberry and chocolate, so believe me when i say, anyone can be a child again.

What I’m getting at is this: I thought cable was going to be for me what ice cream was for Devil Bitch.  I was wrong.  I have about 200 channels, some are horrible all the time, most the rest are horrible 50% of the time, and maybe 3 (G4, Discovery, and The History Channel) are really decent at least 75% of the time.

But suck mostly or suck on the slim, i’m still paying for all of it.  So, guess what, i’m watching it all.  I’m going to watch shows on Lifetime, O!, USA, SciFi, whatever, and i’m going to review them just for you, Tom.

I was going to write about video games, but this is too long as it is.  Thanks for reading it all.

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Mother Nature is a bitch mistress who wants nothing more than to assimilate us into her plot for world domination…but I think I’m getting ahead of myself, so let me go back.

What doesn’t kill you will not make you stronger. It will make you weaker and chances of surviving that very same thing that didn’t kill you a second time is slim to none. Say I was attacked by a dog and lost my left hand fighting him off. Am I stronger? Hell no. That dog comes back for seconds and he’s going to get an all you can eat buffet. The same goes for diseases.

Diseases mess you up. AIDS, Cancer, Leukemia, it’s all out to get you. And if you happen to get one of these diseases, don’t think it’s going to make you stronger. It’s going to make you weaker and weaker until you die, unless treated properly…in which case it’ll make you weaker and weaker and your body will become a battle field between man and nature, where science is our weapon of choice.

Now, I understand that we need to die. If too many people are living at once, we all die. But my real grip with Mother Nature is that all she’s doing is making us weaker. If there are diseases that kill us, why can’t there be diseases that make us stronger? Why do all diseases have to be horrible? Why is it that I can’t go out and catch a bad case of xray vision, or get a rash that results not in my vomiting, but instead it allows me to fly? I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I really really don’t.

Now, I’m not a doctor, but let me explain this in the most technical terms I can. An illness is something that enters your body and starts working you over. And when I say working you over, I mean it. Like baseball bats and sharpened pencils. But what if that virus wasn’t out to get you. What if, instead of ingesting common street thugs, you ingest nuns. Nuns that love you and want nothing more than to make you run at the speed of light. Or what if they wanted to pray for you and give you amazing luck? Why the hell can’t this happen? Why can’t illnesses be more like nuns?

I’ll tell you why. Mother Nature, that’s why. She wants to kill us and let her plants grow all over the place. She wants us to get back in line, walk like an animal, and stop living in nice houses. Well, I say never.

The only way I think we can stop this is if we start making our own diseases that do what we want. Diseases that make us stronger and faster and better at backgammon. This is the only way we can fight off Mother Nature.

And if anyone is reading this and knows anything about bioengineering, I want to be Spider-Man.

You just got dressed, via dresser.

So, in order to work as a teacher in the state of California, one has to swear to the Oath of Allegiance It goes a little something like this…and I quizote:

I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend

the Constitution of the United States and the Constitution of

the State of California against all enemies, foreign and

domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the

Constitution of the United States and the Constitution of the

State of California; that I take this obligation freely, without

any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will

well and faithfully discharge the duties upon which I am about

to enter. 

Lame. First of all, I DO have mental reservations to signing this, and I don’t take it freely. They’re making me sign this to work as a teacher. MAKING ME, so it’s not like I’m doing it freely at all.

What’s the big deal? Well, the part that really gets me is the whole “I will..defend the constitution…against all enemies, foreign and domestic.” I’m not going to defend shit. They make officers of the military say this oath. I’m not taking up arms against anyone, ever. Not only do I not agree with any of the wars we’ve fought in since World War II, but I’d probably kill myself before I killed anyone else.

It’s pretty insane that they make teachers say this oath. They even make UC graduate students say this to get aid from the government, from what I can understand. Totally weird, lame, and bullshit.

I basically was faced with a choice: I could not sign it, feel good about myself and never become a teacher, or I could sign it, rub some dirt on my morals a bit, and just hope it never comes up again. I’ve wanted to be a teacher most my life, and recently I decided to hold off on that for a while, but I was still trying to get a job working for the Torrance district, maybe doing some networking. I didn’t want to have to throw it all away because of some oath.

When I went to turn in my insane amount of paperwork, and the man at the window found that I hadn’t signed the oath, I asked him if I really had to. He said yeah. So I added a bunch of stuff under the oath in a blank space, saying that my duties are limited to that of a teacher, I’m never taking up arms for an country and am not expected to by signing the paper, and that the signature and the paper and everything becomes null and void when I leave the job for whatever reason.

I’m not sure how legal what I did is, nor am I too sure what people are going to do when they see that. Maybe the government will put me on a black list, thinking I’m a communist or something. Maybe the school board will deny me later in life. Hell, maybe a couple guys in suits will be waiting for me when I go to get my TB test. I mean, this is part of the Homeland Security bullshit that we’re all paying so much for.

Whatever happens, at least I spoke my peace.

You’ve just been spooned, via spooner.

The title of this blog is not being used anywhere else as a title of a blog, just as a subject. This might not seem like a problem, but it lead to hiccups when searching our name. It is for this reason that I propose radical change on the Internet to secure our identity.

Since this is a relatively new blog and they were here first, we can simply go out and copyright the name. You can’t just move into someone’s house, even if they don’t care about it as much as you. If that were the case, homeless people wouldn’t be homeless and rich people wouldn’t be home…ists….people…

The Internet is like the Wild West, and I don’t mean giant robot spider vs. will smith, I mean there are no rules. It’s Thunderdome. Two men enter, one man leaves, only there about 1.1 billion people, and they don’t necessarily have to leave. Battling for your rights to have something someone else has on the Internet isn’t an easy thing to do. But I have a plan to do it.

In the old west, if someone came into town, and they were bigger than you, they could take whatever they wanted from you, and you couldn’t do a thing about it- except dual. At high noon, in the longest and most popular dirt road in town, you would take up pistols and prepare to draw. It is at this moment that I challenge the following bloggers to a dual:

Kay from “Seriocity” (http://seriocity.blogspot.com/2007/02/all-your-blog-are-belong-to-us.html)

Marc from “Marc’s WoW” (badanimal3.blogspot.com/2006/06/all-your-blog-are-belong-to-us.html)

Tanner Morrison from “Tannermorrison.com” (http://tannerm.wordpress.com/2006/04/14/all-your-blog-are-belong-to-us/)

Let it be known, all THEIR blog will soon belong to us, and they will serve as an example to all future AllYourBloggers.

You have 48 hours to comply.

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