Video Games

Luigi? Are you kidding me?

By Player 2 ⋅ February 22, 2008 ⋅  Email this post ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment

Super Luigi Galaxy is not awesome at all. It’s seriously a horrible waste of time and a pretty weak idea.

I beat the game with Mario, and all the claims of it being the best game ever might be right. It’s one of the most beautiful and monumental accomplishments thus far in video game history. Mario is an amazing character and franchise and I’ve loved every game he’s been in…that I can remember.

When I unlocked Super Luigi Galaxy, I was stoked. Let me tell you why.

Luigi and me, we go way back. When I was a kid and all I had was the first Super Mario Bro.s, I used to always have to play as Luigi. My dad would always insist on being Mario, and my cousins and friends, they’d all throw a fit, or hit me, if I ever wanted to be anything else. In Super Mario Bro.s 2, Luigi was the best character, so you know I picked him. I was late getting Super Mario Bro.s 3 and an SNES, so guess who was always stuck being player 2? Yeah, yours truly.

As games progressed, I stuck with my main man in green, and noticed something strange. As time went on, I noticed, Luigi was becoming more and more ambiguously gay. There were a million little things, from his mannerisms to his lack of a love interest (does he not even see Daisy?) that I could site, but if you want solid proof, by all means, play Partners in Time for the DS. He might as well walk around with a dildo in his mouth the whole game. They even gave him his own game, Luigi’s Mansion. All the poor bastard got to do was run around scared shitless. It made me feel bad about the poor guy and it made me really hope for more.

So, here comes Super Mario Galaxy, and I’m thinking “Awesome! A game where even Luigi can shine!” But no. I thought maybe they would really allow him to break free from his stigmas and start a new name for himself. I was thinking, since he could jump higher in Mario 2, and since this new game is all about being the best, why would they screw the poor guy even harder?

I don’t know why, but they did.

Basically, Super Luigi Galaxy is just a horrible version of Super Mario Galaxy. You play as Luigi, and you’re pretty much screwed. You don’t seem to be able to jump any higher and you really aren’t faster or anything like that, but you so slide around a lot. And I mean, A LOT. You slide all over the place, like you’re on ice. You know how annoying those ice levels are? How you can never quite line yourself up right for a jump or under a box or something? That’s how it is when you’re Luigi ALL THE TIME.

You have absolutely nothing to be happy about when you’re Luigi…unless you like not having fun. There’s this level where you need to walk and be super careful not to fall off the edges of a path of garbage that appears in front of you as you move around. As Mario, it was a pain- now try it as Luigi. Oh, and you have a timer, so you better hurry your slippery ass up.

I refuse to finish it. I know, i’m not going to get the last star if I don’t play along. Well, I got to 20 stars and I think that’s pretty F-ing amazing. I’m not just mad about Nintendo screwing with Luigi. It’s more than that. I would be all for saying that this game is the best game ever made if it wasn’t for Super Luigi Galaxy. It’s a scar on the pretty face of a ballerina. If Nintendo really wanted to add some replay value, they should have done something like making the enemies harder or like, I don’t know, adding some kind of new attack for Luigi instead of the spin. Who’s great idea was it to just mess up the controls? Who thought it would be fun?

Imagine if all game developers had this notion of fucking stuff up to make it harder, and therefore, more fun. Like, what if as a follow up to scrabble, we got a version without any A’s and U’s. Or what if, to make it more fun, they made a version of Operation where you have to wear boxing gloves and close your eyes while you play? Fuck that. I hate that game as it is.

Kyle and I were supposed to write reviews of this crap, but I quit. Good thing kyle hasn’t even started…like, I mean good thing for him, because it’s garbage. It’s only happy when it rains.

You just got told, via tolder.