Life's Bullshit

Unbreakable, Unstoppable, Unpractical

By Player 2 ⋅ January 4, 2008 ⋅  Email this post ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment

So, I’m no scientist, but I have a question. Remember that movie, UNBREAKABLE? Yeah, that movie where the one guy is super fragile and figures someone’s got to be the opposite and he finds this guy who actually IS unbreakable. Well, why is it that this is not true?

Mother Nature is a bitch mistress who wants nothing more than to assimilate us into her plot for world domination…but I think I’m getting ahead of myself, so let me go back.

What doesn’t kill you will not make you stronger. It will make you weaker and chances of surviving that very same thing that didn’t kill you a second time is slim to none. Say I was attacked by a dog and lost my left hand fighting him off. Am I stronger? Hell no. That dog comes back for seconds and he’s going to get an all you can eat buffet. The same goes for diseases.

Diseases mess you up. AIDS, Cancer, Leukemia, it’s all out to get you. And if you happen to get one of these diseases, don’t think it’s going to make you stronger. It’s going to make you weaker and weaker until you die, unless treated properly…in which case it’ll make you weaker and weaker and your body will become a battle field between man and nature, where science is our weapon of choice.

Now, I understand that we need to die. If too many people are living at once, we all die. But my real grip with Mother Nature is that all she’s doing is making us weaker. If there are diseases that kill us, why can’t there be diseases that make us stronger? Why do all diseases have to be horrible? Why is it that I can’t go out and catch a bad case of xray vision, or get a rash that results not in my vomiting, but instead it allows me to fly? I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I really really don’t.

Now, I’m not a doctor, but let me explain this in the most technical terms I can. An illness is something that enters your body and starts working you over. And when I say working you over, I mean it. Like baseball bats and sharpened pencils. But what if that virus wasn’t out to get you. What if, instead of ingesting common street thugs, you ingest nuns. Nuns that love you and want nothing more than to make you run at the speed of light. Or what if they wanted to pray for you and give you amazing luck? Why the hell can’t this happen? Why can’t illnesses be more like nuns?

I’ll tell you why. Mother Nature, that’s why. She wants to kill us and let her plants grow all over the place. She wants us to get back in line, walk like an animal, and stop living in nice houses. Well, I say never.

The only way I think we can stop this is if we start making our own diseases that do what we want. Diseases that make us stronger and faster and better at backgammon. This is the only way we can fight off Mother Nature.

And if anyone is reading this and knows anything about bioengineering, I want to be Spider-Man.

You just got dressed, via dresser.