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Saab Story

By Player 2 ⋅ December 3, 2007 ⋅  Email this post ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment

So, Saab is “born from jets.” See, when two jets love each other, the boy jet and the girl jet-

NO!

That’s not right at all. Basically, all they’re saying is that people who make jets make cars and call them Saab. So, I’ve been wondering what would happen if different kinds of people made their own cars? Obviously, when people who make jets want a break from the monotony of dominating the heavens, they build cars. But what about the average joe? What does he make?

I did some research, and here’s what I found…

The Eskimo car: http://youtube.com/watch?v=gi4Fqpi0lQc Two guys in the north pole decided that since Santa is hogging on the reindeer and elves, they needed something else to pull their slays. The result was this little gem. It falls somewhere in between a tractor and a shitty carnival ride. “Hey, mom, can you drive me to Jimmy’s house?” “Sorry, I’m too dizzy from my trip to the store.” You could probably walk to and from wherever you’re going before you get half way anywhere in this thing

The car for the hard of hearing: http://youtube.com/watch?v=pRwHX4ELNqQ This is the loudest son of a bitch I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s fast, and it’s pretty nice-looking. Aside from the fact that the people who made it have a horrible taste in music, I’d say this is the best car of them all. Oh, one problem, you’re going to die from head combustion if you try to drive it. Why not put a pot over your head and bang on it with a lead pipe instead?

The Stupid Little Kid Car: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ch_VDSYGF5E This is sad, yet, intriguing. The best explorers of our day relied on advanced boats and ships, and it all started with the paddle. That’s how the Vikings made it to Manhattan, isn’t it? So, maybe, if these kids have kids (unlikely), and those kids have kids, and those kids have kids, they’ll invent the sailboat. Maybe even discover America! Seriously kids, two words for you: STAY IN SCHOOL.

But by far, the most amazing car was made by the rednecks. As you know, the redneck is possibly the most resourceful of all our colors in the melting pot. Here are just a few of their documented feats on youtube:

Redneck Slingshot: http://youtube.com/watch?v=acsz0o2jtzg (just wait for it)

Redneck Skiing: http://youtube.com/watch?v=cRuj1lirXtU

Redneck Surfing: http://youtube.com/watch?v=oiooZVKvtOQ

And, Redneck Granny: http://youtube.com/watch?v=2K45PBZaFV0

Yeah, there’s not a lot to do out there when your sister’s out of town…

Catching these types of things on film is very rare, as the redneck does not have the parts needed to create a video camera in their backyard, nor the ability to duct tape them together, if indeed the parts are found.

By far the most amazing video out there is the redneck car modification called “The Redneck Roller coaster.” I know, it’s not really a car, but trust, it’s worthy. Check it out for yourself: http://youtube.com/watch?v=pqWgopJ4gg8 . I like how they call it the TV News.

Now, I’m not one to harp on safety, but that dog isn’t on a leash…

Here’s where they show how to make it, http://youtube.com/watch?v=EDrMyROzobU, so you can make your own, beer holder and all. I like how the guy tries to say it’s safer than a car.

I do wonder though, why is it that teachers don’t make a car that is fun to drive and educational? Or why lumberjacks don’t make a car that runs on a wood burning stove? Or why cops don’t make a car that pulls over minorities? I guess we’ll just have to wait for these to hit the market.

Me? I’m waiting on the Nintendo car. Or, at the very least, an Atari car. 8-bit driving would still be better than a Ford, a motor company who owes me at least $7,000 after I bought a Focus from Hell. Ford Focus? More like Bord Bogus!…or…Ford Suckus…Bogus Suckus…Think about it.

You just got pwned, via pwner.