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An Open Letter to Nintendo: Smash Bro.s

By Player 2 ⋅ November 30, 2007 ⋅  Email this post ⋅  Print this post ⋅ Post a comment

Dear Nintendo,

Wasssssssap?!?! My name is Joe, and i’m a BIG fan (250 pounds, 5 foot 11). I’ve enjoyed playing many of your games over the years, and of the most amazing has been Super Smash Bro.s and Super Smash Bro.s Melee. I’ll admit that at first i was skeptical about how great a game could be where all my favorite nintendo character’s beat the bejesus out of each other. It wasn’t until years after Smash Bro.’s first release that i actually got to play it, and it occupied my life for many months in the year of 2004.

I’ll cut to the chase: What the fuck? I thought this game was only for characters that appear under the Nintendo umbrella! Woe, and lo! I was wrong. I might enjoy using Sonic once or twice, or enjoy beating the hell out of Snake (since he looks so much like Kid Rock), but I still think there are a ton of killer characters that can be included in your game that fall under the umbrella of Nintendo.

A few of your most over looked characters include the likes of Bald Bull, the Bubble Bobble guys, and the dude from Burger Time. Mayo can be a weapon, on this I insist! There is nothing more disappointing than seeing these amazing characters sit on the side lines.

However, if the rules are being broken, allow me to make a few more suggestions on characters that may be omitted in your fit of madness:

Bob’s Big Boy, who’s abilities include standing still, and flying through space.

The Leprecon from the Leprecon movies, who can shine your shoes and make you all slippery.

Sydney Poitier who’s portrail of Walter Lee Younger in “A Rasin in the Sun” will bring your characters to tears.

Monster Truck. I think this is pretty self explanatory.

and finally, Westley Willis.

I hope you don’t throw these character ideas aside. They may be what makes or breaks your next title.

Do not worry about compensation, being able to play as Leprecon would be payment enough.

xoxo,

joe

PS: Other possible characters include: Elefun, PJ Harvey, the 1997 Pittsburgh Steelers, Joe Piscapo, Hannah Montana (x fingers!!!!), Johnny 5, Batman on fire in a trashcan, Micheal Jordan, Hillary Clinton (NPC please), a dinet set, Bob Barker, a bowl of rice, Holden, Die Hard, Christopher Reeves (post-horse), Satan and Jesus (look out ice climbers), the  marbles (a la marble madness), Robocop, Grey Ghost, Dragon from Dragon Heart, Blankman, Office Barbrady, Bebe’s Kids, the Fonz, my friend David, and Nic Cage.